New

I have decided to make this blog in an attempt to start verbalising the chaos that is my head. The posts contained will probably including ramblings about things that quite possibly don’t make sense to a lot of people ~(and truth be told they don’t make a lot of sense to me either but hey!) in the hope that I can make sense of my head, my thought, feelings etc. It’s about time I started feeling things other than nothing. It’s about time I stopped drifting, realised that I do have the right to have opinions, stop doing things to make other people happy and start making me happy. Unfortunately I think it’s going to take a long time, but I’ll get there.

First things first – me.

My name is Vincent. I’m 26 and I live in Derby in the UK. I’m a comic book geek who’s favourites include X Men, Spiderman, Batman, Hellraiser, L’il Depressed Boy, and Moon Knight. I’m pretty much FTM (female to male) transgender (I consider myself transgender, rather than transsexual, if you don’t like that then I’m sorry but it’s tough – my life, my identity, I can choose whatever labels I want!) though I sometimes feel like I’m nothing at all. I’m still trying to come to terms with this but I’ll keep trying as long as I have the energy to. I’m still working on my identity, I’m still trying to find somewhere I fit in. I’m still trying to convince myself that it’s okay to be me, it’s okay for me to be happy, and it’s okay to have my own opinions and to voice them. A lot of years being someone I’m not just to make other people in my life happy, and so I didn’t lose people I was close to does take it’s toll in the end.

I’m incredibly introverted, I have dyspraxia and I find it very hard to follow and process information told to me quite a lot of the time, so if I’m in a conversation with you, you might have to explain things to me a couple of times before they sink in and for that I am sorry. I do have a tendency to  disassociate with myself or other people, especially when I’m in a social situation. It’s a very bad defense mechanism I’ve had thanks to many years of bullying/abuse/neglect at the hands of other people. It’s something I’m trying to work on, but I’m not entirely sure at this time how to go about this.

Other things you might want to know about me: -

- I have severe trust issues. It takes a lot for me to trust someone but I do tend to get there in the end.

- I have severe social anxiety. I get overwhelmed, and attempt to run away on many many occasions.

- I dislike being touched intensely if I don’t know you, or don’t know you very well. If you make me feel safe though, and you talk to me, I will submit to hugs, being touched etc. Depending on my mood I can be a little bit of a hug slut, but it does depend, sometimes I don’t like being touched at all.

- I’m slightly furry. Not in the fursuit kind of way (not that I mind, it’s just not me), but in the fact I have what one might call a Spirit Animal. He’s a red wolf, and like to play every now again, he likes to take control and likes to be dominant every now and again. He is also very protective of those he thinks of as his pack.

I’m not entirely sure what to write here, but this is me as far as I know it.